From the time we wake up our brain starts working. Davidji from the Chopra Center says we have 60,000 to 80,000 thoughts EVERY DAY! Some of these thoughts are empowering, loving, positive, inspiring, creative.. the "good stuff". Some are neutral - "take out the trash", "time to eat breakfast". And some are yucky, they suck the wind right out of you, drop your energy way down, move your focus to a place you just don't want to go.Life-sucking, negative thoughts can be examined and quieted. We can chose to look at them and say "Hey, where did you come from?" so that they don't take over our entire body and take us somewhere we don't want to go. There is a voice, a.k.a. an "Inner Mean Girl/Boy," that brings these thoughts into our consciousness.
Probably my most troublesome "Inner Mean Girl" (or IMG) message is related to a feeling of obligation, the "should" feeling, even when it's something I don't want to do. She tells me “You love them. Do what they want.”
It's not a big deal when it's something small, like my daughter says "Hey, Mom, can you drive me to Catherine's house?". My first reaction is to say "yes", before I even think of what I'm doing at the time. I just love to give to those I love. But I have learned to think first, see if it works for me, if the timing is not good then try to find a compromise, and if we can't work it out, I can just say "no" without guilt.
Feelings of obligation can act as a wake-up call to look at what we are bringing up from our past and they provide an opportunity to make new choices to evolve into the person we want to be, not who we were before. And sometimes we decide that the “obligation” really is in-line with our values and priorities and that we are willing to make a sacrifice this time.
But when this feeling of obligation causes you to go too far and betray your values and your sense of self, that's dangerous. Fear of conflict, of being wrong, of disapproval, of losing the relationship, of being abandoned... these fears used to rule my life, and since I did not know how to handle the intense fear and anxiety, I didn't take the opportunity to change. I felt I had to "obey" the other person, not me. I didn't know how to change or how to endure the fears and work through them. So I remained stuck in the beliefs that the other person was more important, they knew better, or even if I knew they didn't I would not speak up. This caused me not to trust myself and left an unspoken resentment towards the other person. And great confusion and anxiety. These feelings still come up, but I am aware now and making better choices. I'm also less "fearful of fear", as I have tools to work through it.
I was never taught to have healthy, strong boundaries as part of my make-up. My perceived need for connection and approval and making life "easier" for others is overdeveloped, while my need for self-expression and using my voice to have my life reflect what I want and intend is underdeveloped. This can be called "codependency", "attachment", "weak boundaries", “enabling” and also reflects low self-love.
After much digging into my past, I have learned that its' origin is not "my fault". When I was very young my role in my family, as placed on me by my parents, was to play watch-dog to my alcoholic and bipolar mother. I was to stay with her and watch her and make sure things didn't get too out of hand - or if they did, I was to get help. I was never told this in words, I was told with actions. My parents and brothers knew that Gretchen had to go with Mom when she'd go out driving drunk, "just in case". Fortunately, we never crashed. Unfortunately, there were other, even more dysfunctional situations that I was placed in. It's enough to say that they were traumatic, and not good for me.
After enduring 19 years in a marriage where I was not honoured, despite many attempts to "fix" him and the marriage including therapy sessions, I began to seek answers through Ala-Non's Adult Children of Alcoholics program. I have also found answers, healing and peace through individuals, books, meditation, and wonderful educational tools like the "Inner Mean Girl 40-Day Cleanse". The Cleanse inspired this blog, as this week's teleseminar topic is "Obligation".
My intense desire to find joy and healthy love for myself and others has made change mandatory. I have healed a great deal and I am finding healthy ways to acknowledge and deal with my fears and overcome them. I love life and I am proud of myself. I am learning how to create the life of my intentions with greater joy and purpose every day. I have big plans and goals and I am able to move forward with resilience to make them happen.
I share my experience to help others who may be feeling intense anxiety when they get these feelings of "obligation" and they really don't know if it's normal, if they should just give-in, if they are just not "loving enough". Many situations can result in codependency, not just having an alcoholic parent. It can develop from misunderstood religious guidance, a parent who is very angry and emotionally abusive, a parent with a compulsive disorder, a very manipulative boss, friend or partner, or even just from society's confusing views of what it means to be a "good woman" or to be "loving". If you don't learn how to have boundaries you can live a life with great confusion, hurt, sadness, depression, low self-esteem and feeling that you don't and can't have control in your life, that you can't trust yourself, the world or a higher power/God. But you can learn to trust yourself, your higher power and the world, and learn who and what not to trust ~ and have great joy and peace.
Register for the Free 40-Day Inner Mean Girl Cleanse now at: https://wakeupcall.infusionsoft.com/go/imgc/Gretchen/
Note: I am participating in the Inner Mean Girl 40-Day Cleanse as a Self-Love Ambassador. To thank me for my participation, I will receive a self-love gift from the founders of the Inner Mean Girl Reform School.
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