Part 14 - Learning from "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie

This week I am writing about Chapter 16 of “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie: Reading, analyzing, learning from, sharing my experiences and applying the insights in my life. (I highly recommend reading the book for a true understanding of codependency and reading the entire blog to avoid misunderstanding this information or taking statements out of context.)

Chapter 16: Set Your Own Goals

Well, it's so fitting that I would be writing about this chapter at this time, as I just finished my Mind Movie. It's a movie of my "worthy ideal", my goals and dreams with my photos, affirmations with inspiring music (I picked U2's "Pride: In the Name of Love".) (If you'd like to get 6 free mind movies, watch some cool videos with goal setting gurus John Assaraf, Bob Proctor, Joe Vitale and more, and also learn about Tapping, go to: www.mindmovies.com/mm20videoseries/bob-proctor.php.)

What I love about this chapter is that it says something so simple yet so profound: if we set goals, then things can change. And we can co-create good things by focusing on our lives rather than focusing on other people. (p.169) We can take back our lives. Setting goals and taking action to achieve them puts us in the drivers seat, we acknowledge that we are not victims, that we can be "less worried about solving problems because we've turned out problems into goals." (p.170) And it's fun and purposeful.

Having goals that you surrender to creates clarity in your life. "When you surrender to your goal, the goals works itself into your subconscious mind. Your subconscious mind is always in balance. Your conscious mind is not, unless it is in tune with what your subconscious mind is thinking. Without full cooperation from the subconscious mind, a person is hesitant, confused, indecisive. Now, with your goal absorbed into your subconscious mind you react the right way automatically. The conscious mind is free for clear, straight thinking." (p.171)

A few suggestions from my experience on setting goals is you have to give up that "need to be perfect". Just get started, right stuff down, anything. And it's okay if your goals change next week - or tomorrow! As we evolve, learn, grown, have experiences, they WILL change, and that's fine and normal! And don't make your goals based on what someone else thinks you should do or is pressuring you into or "it would make them so happy if I...". Base your goals on what you want and desire. Part of that can include things like better relationships or contributing to our planet, but do it because YOU want that as a goal. Get what I'm saying?

Melody has great ideas to get us started:

1) Turn everything into a goal. If you want something, make it a goal. "If it bothers us, make it a goal. If we're aware something needs to be changed, make it a goal." (p.172)

2) Omit the shoulds. "Make it a goal to get rid of 75% of our shoulds." (p.172)

3) Don't limit ourselves. "Don't worry, if we're not supposed to have it, we won't. If we are supposed to have it, I believe we'll stand an improved chance of getting it by turning it into a goal." (p.172)

4) Write our goals on paper. "We worry less, we have less to think about, and it gives focus and organization to our goals... and helps us direct our energy and to be in contact with our Higher Power." (p.172)

5) Commit our written goals to God. "Tell God these are the things we're interested in, ask for his help, then surrender humbly. They will be done, not mine." (p.172)

6) Let go. "Keep our goals close, where we can look at them as we need to but don't worry and obsess about how, when, if and what if... Try to not control or force." (p.172)

7) Do what we can, one day at a time. "If it's time to do something, we'll know. It it's time for something to happen, it will. Trust ourselves and God." (p.173)

8) Set goals regularly and as needed. "If I'm facing a problem, spot a need, feel a new want, I turn it into a goal and add it to my list. I also use goals to get me through crisis times, when I'm feeling shaky. Then, I write down all the things I want and need to accomplish on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis." (p.173)

9) Check off the goals we reach. "When this happens, cross off that goal, congratulate ourselves and thank God. We will gain confidence in ourselves, in goal setting, in God, and in the rhythm of life this way." (p.173) "Problems arise. Problems get solved... Good things happen. Then, more problems arise. But it's all okay." (p.174)

10) Be patient. "I've started to realize that waiting in an art, that waiting achieve things. Waiting can be very, very powerful. Time is a valuable thing. If you can wait two years, you can sometimes achieve something that you could not achieve today, however hard you worked, however much money you threw up in the air, however many times you banged your head against the wall." (p.174, Dennis Wholey, "The Courage to Change")

And you gotta' love this:

"If you don't have any goals, make your first goal 'getting some goals'!" No matter where you start, it's the right place!

I want to close with an amazing definition that I learned from Christine Arylo during her Summer of Love teleseminar recently.

‎"Self Love: the unconditional love and unconditional respect you have for yourself that is so deep, so unwavering and so solid that you only put yourself into situations and relationships (including the one you have with yourself) that reflects that same unconditional love and respect."

Setting goals is an act of self-love.

All the best to you as you are writing your goals,

Gretchen