This week I am writing about Chapter 15 of “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie: Reading, analyzing, learning from, sharing my experiences and applying the insights in my life. (I highly recommend reading the book for a true understanding of codependency and reading the entire blog to avoid misunderstanding this information or taking statements out of context.)
Chapter 15: Yes, You Can Think
"The purpose of this chapter is to tell you that you can think , you can figure things out, and you can make decisions - good, healthy decisions." (p.164)
When living with an alcoholic, now or in the past, the crazy lives we live have taught us to feel we can't trust ourselves, we are ruled by fears and we get stuck in feelings of indecisiveness or ambivalence (the coexistence in one person of opposite feelings toward the same objective).
But we CAN trust ourselves. Louise Hay points out in her CD "Embracing Change": "If you promise yourself something, honor it and follow-through. We must have self-respect. You cannot have self respect if you break your promises to yourself. Do not make a promise that you know you do not want to keep. If you never trust yourself you will never trust life." (CD 2, 1997) She also points out that if you are not there yet, don't scold yourself. "When you are scolded it’s hard to make changes, when you are loved it’s easy to make changes." (CD 2, 1997)
"For a variety of reasons, we may have lost faith in our ability to think and reason things out. Believing lies, lying to ourselves (denial), chaos, stress, low self-esteem, and a stomach full of repressed emotions may cloud our ability to think. We become confused. That doesn't mean we can't think." (p.164)
Melody points out all of the many ways we sabotage our thinking and our confidence, including overreacting, worrying about other's opinions of us, feeling we have to be perfect, telling ourselves to hurry, hating ourselves, worrying about "what ifs", worrying and obsessing..." (p.164-165)
But "Remember, decisions don't have to be made perfectly. We don't have to be perfect. We don't even have to be nearly perfect. We can just be who we are. We can make mistakes in our choices. We're not so fragile we can't handle making a mistake. It's no big deal! It's part of living. We can learn from our mistakes, or we can simply make another decision." (p.165)
"We can even change our minds. Then change them again. Then again. Codependents vacillate. As codependents, we are in the midst of upsetting situations. We may go back and forth a lot; we may throw the alcoholic out, then take him back. We may leave, then come back, then leave again. This is how we get to where we're going. It's okay. Let's take it one step further - it's normal and often necessary." (p.165-166)
I have found a great many resources on making decisions and changing your thinking and your limiting beliefs. But one I am currently reading and find to be very helpful with specific suggestions is "It's Not the End of the World: Developing Resilience in Times of Change" by Joan Borysenko, Ph.D. She teaches the 3 secrets of resilience, how to let go and move on, and how to "train your brain for success".
(Just ask me if you'd like to know of other authors or methods that I've found effective. There are also great resources on living your authentic self - Melissa Etheridge is one of the great resources on this topic - and following your intuition.)
Melody suggest the following "may help us gain confidence in our mental abilities":
(Please see the book for more detail!)
Chapter 15: Yes, You Can Think
"The purpose of this chapter is to tell you that you can think , you can figure things out, and you can make decisions - good, healthy decisions." (p.164)
When living with an alcoholic, now or in the past, the crazy lives we live have taught us to feel we can't trust ourselves, we are ruled by fears and we get stuck in feelings of indecisiveness or ambivalence (the coexistence in one person of opposite feelings toward the same objective).
But we CAN trust ourselves. Louise Hay points out in her CD "Embracing Change": "If you promise yourself something, honor it and follow-through. We must have self-respect. You cannot have self respect if you break your promises to yourself. Do not make a promise that you know you do not want to keep. If you never trust yourself you will never trust life." (CD 2, 1997) She also points out that if you are not there yet, don't scold yourself. "When you are scolded it’s hard to make changes, when you are loved it’s easy to make changes." (CD 2, 1997)
"For a variety of reasons, we may have lost faith in our ability to think and reason things out. Believing lies, lying to ourselves (denial), chaos, stress, low self-esteem, and a stomach full of repressed emotions may cloud our ability to think. We become confused. That doesn't mean we can't think." (p.164)
Melody points out all of the many ways we sabotage our thinking and our confidence, including overreacting, worrying about other's opinions of us, feeling we have to be perfect, telling ourselves to hurry, hating ourselves, worrying about "what ifs", worrying and obsessing..." (p.164-165)
But "Remember, decisions don't have to be made perfectly. We don't have to be perfect. We don't even have to be nearly perfect. We can just be who we are. We can make mistakes in our choices. We're not so fragile we can't handle making a mistake. It's no big deal! It's part of living. We can learn from our mistakes, or we can simply make another decision." (p.165)
"We can even change our minds. Then change them again. Then again. Codependents vacillate. As codependents, we are in the midst of upsetting situations. We may go back and forth a lot; we may throw the alcoholic out, then take him back. We may leave, then come back, then leave again. This is how we get to where we're going. It's okay. Let's take it one step further - it's normal and often necessary." (p.165-166)
I have found a great many resources on making decisions and changing your thinking and your limiting beliefs. But one I am currently reading and find to be very helpful with specific suggestions is "It's Not the End of the World: Developing Resilience in Times of Change" by Joan Borysenko, Ph.D. She teaches the 3 secrets of resilience, how to let go and move on, and how to "train your brain for success".
(Just ask me if you'd like to know of other authors or methods that I've found effective. There are also great resources on living your authentic self - Melissa Etheridge is one of the great resources on this topic - and following your intuition.)
Melody suggest the following "may help us gain confidence in our mental abilities":
(Please see the book for more detail!)
- Treat our minds to some peace. Detach. Get calm.
- As God to help us think. Ask Him to give me the right thought, word or action. Ask Him to send His inspiration and guidance. Ask Him to "Help me solve my problems".
- Quit abusing our minds. Worry and obsession constitute mental abuse. Stop doing those things.
- Feed our minds. Give our mind information. We will come up with good answers and solutions.
- Feed our minds healthy thoughts. Affirmations are wonderful, among other things.
- Stretch our minds. Learn something new. Take a class.
- Quit saying bad things about our minds.
- Use our minds. We're not victims. We can take possession of our power to think.
(All from p.166-167)
You are thinking now, you are educating yourself and opening your mind by reading this blog. I appreciate your co-creative thinking with me!
All the best.
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