This week I am writing about Chapter 14 of “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie: Reading, analyzing, learning from, sharing my experiences and applying the insights in my life. (I highly recommend reading the book for a true understanding of codependency and reading the entire blog to avoid misunderstanding this information or taking statements out of context.
Chapter 14: Anger
"It is okay to feel angry when we need to." (p.160) Melody ends this chapter with this statement, and allowing yourself to believe and know this is key to becoming healthy.
"Anger is one profound effect of alcoholism. It is also an effect of many of the other compulsive disorders or problems codependents find themselves living with." (p.157)
I know from experience that when you have frequently witnessed extreme angry outbursts and violence from an alcoholic parent growing up or from someone else in the past or present, this does effect you! The fear associated with these experiences can cause you to have such great anxiety with situations of conflict, even those that are not extreme or violent, that you do anything you can to avoid being true to what you think or feel for fear of conflict or disapproval. You fear using your voice, following your intuition or just being you. And "repressed anger, like other repressed emotions, causes problems." (p.156)
Most of us have never learned to deal with anger. We wonder why we feel it, how can we deal with it, how can we feel better, and "what's wrong with me?" (p.156)
"We can repeat it to ourselves as often as necessary: There's nothing wrong with us... (and if you are living with active alcoholism or other compulsive or personality disorder), of course you are angry!" (p.156)
Melody does a fantastic job of describing and explaining the sources, relationship with, feelings about and outcomes of a codependent's expressed and unexpressed anger. She lists the limiting myths and beliefs we have about anger. (p.153-154) She also lists 13 ways to deal with anger (p.158 - 160), which I will list at the end of the blog. This is life-saving information, as it will help you to get your life back when you change your beliefs and habits.
Something that I have found crucial on my journey to clarity and bliss is not only to understand your own subconscious limiting beliefs and paradigms around anger, but also to replace them in your subconscious with NEW, empowering beliefs such as:
* It's okay to feel angry.
* I can handle my anger in a healthy way.
* Feeling anger is a sign that something is wrong and should be listened to and examined to determine the "next step".
* The feeling of anger can allow me to regain a sense of power, allowing depression and powerlessness to lift. Anger feels better than depression and hopelessness. It is important not to get stuck by remaining in this feeling of anger too long, but from an angry place I can move to relieving my frustration and move up "the emotional scale" to regain control and feel better. (From "Ask and It is Given, Learning to Manifest Your Dreams", p.116-118, by Esther and Jerry Hicks.")
* Just because someone gets angry at me does not mean I have done something "wrong". It could mean they are wanting to avoid dealing with their own problems. It is not my job to fix someone else or their problems. It is not my responsibility to make another person feel better.
* Conflict can be quite helpful by increasing communication, building mutual understanding, and forging new agreements that are designed to eliminate its underlying causes.
* While I really do not like confrontations, I am not willing to give in to manipulation just to avoid one.
*Although I feel anxious and somewhat afraid when someone displays anger and hostility, I will not let myself be intimidated. Using anger and hostility as a way of pressuring me into doing something I do not want to do just will not work. I am not to blame if the other person chooses to get angry and hostile. I may not like feeling anxious and afraid, but I can tolerate it. Letting myself be manipulated feels a lot worse.
(The last 3 affirmations are from "Who's Pulling Your Strings? How to Break the Cycle of Manipulation and Regain Control of Your Life", p.225-227, by Harriet B. Braiker.)
Melodie's suggestions for dealing with anger (note that the book has more detail than what I am listing here):
* Address any myths we have subscribed to about anger.
* Feel the emotion.
* Acknowledge the thoughts that accompany the feeling.
* Examine the thinking that goes with the feeling.
* Make a responsible decision about what, in any, action we need to take.
* Don't let anger control us.
* Openly and honestly discuss our anger, when it's appropriate.
* Take responsibility for our anger.
* Talk to people we trust.
* Burn off the anger energy.
* Don't beat ourselves or others for feeling angry.
* Write letter we don't intend to send.
* Deal with guilt.
(p.158-160)
"Once we begin dealing with anger, we may notice we feel angry much of the time. That's common. We're like kids with a new toy. We'll settle down with it. Be patient. We aren't going to deal with it perfectly. No one does. We'll make mistakes, but we'll also learn from them.... Strive for progress." (p.160)
"There is much more to life than anger.
But it's okay to feel anger when we need to." (p.160)
0 comments:
Post a Comment