This week I am writing about Chapter 13 of “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie: Reading, analyzing, learning from, sharing my experiences and applying the insights in my life. (I highly recommend reading the book for a true understanding of codependency and reading the entire blog to avoid misunderstanding this information or taking statements out of context. )
Chapter 13: Feel Your Own Feelings
This chapter really helped me work through an area I've gotten stuck trying to work through: feelings of sadness, anger and fear can be felt, "dealt with" and then decisions or next steps can be taken if needed. Feelings do NOT have to consume and threaten my entire life, happiness and future. I CAN get unstuck!
Many family systems, not just those with alcoholics, "reject emotional honesty and at times appear to demand dishonesty." (p.141) When you've dealt with a lot of pain you can short-circuit to protect yourself.
"Sometimes we make our feelings disappear because we are afraid of them. To acknowledge how we really feel would demand a decision - action or change - on our part." (p.142)
For both Alcoholics and Codependents, the answer for healing that has worked for many is: "Keep dealing with your feelings. And go to Ala-Non (or AA for Alcoholics)." (p.143) (There is also help from meetings from the Co-Dependents Recovery Society, and you can google it to find the website and local meetings.)
"Our feelings are important... If we push them away, we lose an important part of us and our lives... Our feelings are also indicators." (p.143) When we feel fear, anger or sadness, our feelings tell us there is a problem. Melodie goes into detail on the dangers and toll it takes on us to live in fear and pain and getting stuck in our emotions. (p.144) And "repressed feelings don't go away." (p.145)
"The big reason for not repressing feelings is that emotional withdrawal causes us to lose our positive feelings... And if we don't deal with our feelings we don't change and we don't grow. We stay stuck." (p.145)
"So what's the solution?... We can feel: mad, sad, glad, and scared... It doesn't mean we have to devote an extraordinary amount of our lives to wallowing in emotional muck.... We take a few moments, acknowledge the sensation, and move on to the next step." (p.146)
Next, "we appropriately respond to our emotion. We examine the thoughts that go with it, and we accept them without repression or censorship."
"Then, we decide whether there is a next step... We evaluate the situation, then choose a behavior in line with our moral code and our new ideal self-care.... We may need to correct certain disaster-oriented thought patterns... Is the problem something we can solve? Does it concern another person? Is it necessary or appropriate to discuss the feeling with that person?"
(In Chapter 17 Melody discusses communication, so I will be sharing further insights on this in a future blog. I have also recently discovered Cheryl Richardson's "The Art of Extreme Self-Care," which is also very helpful on this topic and will be writing further on that book as well.)
"However, we may want to make another decision about how to deal with our feelings. This is especially true if we are consistently reacting to someone's behavior with a great deal of emotional distress, and even after reporting this distress to the person he or she continues causing us pain." (p.148)
We may need to discuss our feelings with a friend, to let them out in the light and gain perspective. And "we may also want to seek professional help if we've been repressing feelings for a long period of time or if we suspect that what we've been repressing is intense" (p.149) This is also true if we fear violence from someone we wish we could express our unhappy feelings to in a safe way or if our anxiety level at the thought of this confrontation and it's aftermath are too high.
Melody says we may also find "intense happy feelings as distracting and scary, or we believe we don't deserve to be happy... It's okay to be happy. It's okay to feel sad. Let the emotional energy pass through, and strive for peace and balance." (p.149)
Melody uses physical exercise, writing letters she doesn't intend to send, talking to people she feels safe with and spending time in meditation to help her get in touch with her feelings. (p.149) I like to read quotes, affirmations, books, visualize my desired life and feelings, listen to music and do yoga.
We can "trust our feelings and trust ourselves. We are wiser than we think." (p.149)
Chapter 13: Feel Your Own Feelings
This chapter really helped me work through an area I've gotten stuck trying to work through: feelings of sadness, anger and fear can be felt, "dealt with" and then decisions or next steps can be taken if needed. Feelings do NOT have to consume and threaten my entire life, happiness and future. I CAN get unstuck!
Many family systems, not just those with alcoholics, "reject emotional honesty and at times appear to demand dishonesty." (p.141) When you've dealt with a lot of pain you can short-circuit to protect yourself.
"Sometimes we make our feelings disappear because we are afraid of them. To acknowledge how we really feel would demand a decision - action or change - on our part." (p.142)
For both Alcoholics and Codependents, the answer for healing that has worked for many is: "Keep dealing with your feelings. And go to Ala-Non (or AA for Alcoholics)." (p.143) (There is also help from meetings from the Co-Dependents Recovery Society, and you can google it to find the website and local meetings.)
"Our feelings are important... If we push them away, we lose an important part of us and our lives... Our feelings are also indicators." (p.143) When we feel fear, anger or sadness, our feelings tell us there is a problem. Melodie goes into detail on the dangers and toll it takes on us to live in fear and pain and getting stuck in our emotions. (p.144) And "repressed feelings don't go away." (p.145)
"The big reason for not repressing feelings is that emotional withdrawal causes us to lose our positive feelings... And if we don't deal with our feelings we don't change and we don't grow. We stay stuck." (p.145)
"So what's the solution?... We can feel: mad, sad, glad, and scared... It doesn't mean we have to devote an extraordinary amount of our lives to wallowing in emotional muck.... We take a few moments, acknowledge the sensation, and move on to the next step." (p.146)
Next, "we appropriately respond to our emotion. We examine the thoughts that go with it, and we accept them without repression or censorship."
"Then, we decide whether there is a next step... We evaluate the situation, then choose a behavior in line with our moral code and our new ideal self-care.... We may need to correct certain disaster-oriented thought patterns... Is the problem something we can solve? Does it concern another person? Is it necessary or appropriate to discuss the feeling with that person?"
(In Chapter 17 Melody discusses communication, so I will be sharing further insights on this in a future blog. I have also recently discovered Cheryl Richardson's "The Art of Extreme Self-Care," which is also very helpful on this topic and will be writing further on that book as well.)
"However, we may want to make another decision about how to deal with our feelings. This is especially true if we are consistently reacting to someone's behavior with a great deal of emotional distress, and even after reporting this distress to the person he or she continues causing us pain." (p.148)
We may need to discuss our feelings with a friend, to let them out in the light and gain perspective. And "we may also want to seek professional help if we've been repressing feelings for a long period of time or if we suspect that what we've been repressing is intense" (p.149) This is also true if we fear violence from someone we wish we could express our unhappy feelings to in a safe way or if our anxiety level at the thought of this confrontation and it's aftermath are too high.
Melody says we may also find "intense happy feelings as distracting and scary, or we believe we don't deserve to be happy... It's okay to be happy. It's okay to feel sad. Let the emotional energy pass through, and strive for peace and balance." (p.149)
Melody uses physical exercise, writing letters she doesn't intend to send, talking to people she feels safe with and spending time in meditation to help her get in touch with her feelings. (p.149) I like to read quotes, affirmations, books, visualize my desired life and feelings, listen to music and do yoga.
We can "trust our feelings and trust ourselves. We are wiser than we think." (p.149)
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