This week I am writing about Chapter 12 of “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie: Reading, analyzing, learning from, sharing my experiences and applying the insights in my life. (I highly recommend reading the book for a true understanding of codependency and reading the entire blog to avoid misunderstanding this information or taking statements out of context.)
Chapter 12: Learn the Art of Acceptance
This chapter was truly a major eye-opener for me. It brought to my awareness that there are many things in my life that were denied, unresolved and repressed, which have kept me locked in the grieving process (also called the healing process/the forgiveness process/the “way that God works with us”, p.138). The intense fear of enduring the pain of facing present and past losses in my life has only served to limit my capacity for peace and well being. And when I look back in my life I see times where I have worked through specific losses to the place of acceptance, and this allows me to KNOW that it is possible for any and all losses including those that I had not acknowledged as being losses. There is a path to peace, healing and forgiveness.
Melody explains that every human being suffers losses, every change brings a loss. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross identified the stages of grief from the loss of a loved one, but the mental health profession has since acknowledged this process when any loss occurs. (p.134, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, On Death and Dying, New York: MacMillan Publishing, 1969). “The loss could be minor – a five-dollar bill, not receiving an expected letter – or it could be significant – the loss of a spouse through divorce or death, the loss of a job. Even positive change brings loss – when we buy a new house and leave the old one – and requires a progression through the five stages.” (p.134)
When you have been in or currently are in a close relationship with an alcoholic or person with another compulsive or personality disorder, the losses are major and significant. “Codependents never know what to expect... We are bombarded with problems, losses, and change. We endure shattered windows, missed appointments, broken promises, and outright lies. We lose financial security, emotional security, faith in the people we love, faith in God, and faith in ourselves. We may lose our physical well-being, our material goods, our ability to enjoy sex, our reputation, our social life, our career, our self-control, our self-esteem, and ourselves.” (p.130)
Melody goes on to say “Perhaps the most painful loss many codependents face is the loss of our dreams, the hopeful and sometimes idealistic expectations for the future that most people have.” (p.130) This can also mean coming to terms with the fact that your past and past relationships never were what why had idealized them to be, that you remained in denial about them. I recently came to terms with this reality about a relationship with an immediate family member. It never was a happy, healthy relationship, this person was never happy or healthy, and unless they were to make a decision to change at this point or in the future, I never would have the type of relationship with them that I longed for. And I have grieved that loss and have finally come to acceptance of that and finally removed my denial of that reality. And I am at peace with that, finally. It's a relief and is freeing.
I know that the fear of pain and the “what if's” of the future can feel insurmountable and paralyzing, but I also know you can conquer your fears as I am doing. I am no better or more blessed than you.
So what are these stages of grief, through denial to acceptance?
1. Denial
If you are codependent, you know this stage well. I believe that many people who are called depressed are actually in denial, as they have learned to not trust others, themselves, and God and they have lost hope, and they believe the way they feel is just “part of life” or “normal”. “There is much anxiety and fear in this stage... Reactions typical of denial include: refusing to believe reality...; denying or minimizing the importance of the loss...: denying any feelings about the loss...; or mental avoidance.” (p.134)
There is much “obsessing, controlling, repressing feelings.” And “we feel crazy because we are lying to ourselves. We feel crazy because we are believing other people's lies. Nothing will help us feel crazy faster than being lied to. Believing lies disrupts the core of our being. The deep, instinctive part of us knows the truth, but we are pushing that part away and telling it, 'You're wrong. Shut up.' According to counselor Scott Egleston, we then decide there's something fundamentally wrong with us for being suspicious, and we label ourselves and our innermost, intuitive being as untrustworthy.” (p.135) I feel that recognizing this is so important to getting our self-esteem back, to starting to live again.
Melody goes on to explain the function of denial, and quotes Noel Larsen, a licensed consulting psychologist, “Denial isn't lying. It's not letting yourself know what reality is.” (p.135)
2. Anger
“When we quit denying our loss, we move into the next stage: anger. Our anger may be reasonable or unreasonable... Depending on the nature of our loss, we may be a little peeved, somewhat angry, downright furious, or caught in the grips of a soul-shaking rage.” (p.136) Melody warns that this is why if you are confronting someone regarding a long-denied or repressed truth it can be potentially frightening and violent, so if you are planning an intervention or someone with a history of violent reactions you should seek professional help.(p.136)
3. Bargaining
“After we have calmed down, we attempt to strike a bargain with life, ourselves, another person, or God... We are not attempting to postpone the inevitable; we are attempting to prevent it. Sometimes the deals we negotiate are reasonable and productive: 'If my spouse and I get counselling, then we won't have to lose our relationship.' Sometimes our bargains are absurd: 'I used to think that if I just kept the house cleaner or if I cleaned the refrigerator good enough this time, then my husband wouldn't drink anymore,' recalls the wife of an alcoholic.” (p.137)
4. Depression
“When we see our bargain has not worked... we become sad, sometimes terribly depressed. This is the essence of grief: mourning at its fullest. This is what we have been attempting at all costs to avoid. This is the time to cry, and it hurts... It will disappear only when the process has been worked out and through.” (p.137, quoting Esther Olson, a family counselor who calls this the “forgiveness process”.)
5. Acceptance
This “should not be mistaken for a happy stage. It is almost void of feelings. It is as if the pain had gone, the struggle is over...” (p.137, quoting Elisabeth Kubler-Ross) “We are at peace... We are free! We have accepted our loss... We have adjusted and reorganized... We stop running, ducking, controlling, and hiding. And we know it is only from this point that we can go forward.” (p.137-138)
Melody makes a point about “feeling like we've gone crazy” as we deal with this process! “We will probably go through this process for anything that is a fact in our lives that we have not accepted... We may be in many stages of the grief process for several losses, all during the same time. We may not know what we are trying to accept... or that we are struggling to accept a situation.” (p.138) But we haven't gone crazy. We are dealing with a process, a necessary process, one we need to understand, one that is necessary. (p.138)
“Because this is a model, we may not go through the stages exactly as I have outlined them. We may travel back and forth: from anger to denial, from denial to bargaining, from bargaining back to denial... We don't necessarily have to let the stages dictate our behaviors, but each of us, for our well-being and ultimate acceptance, needs to spend individually appropriate time in each stage... Any event, any awareness that contains a sense of loss for you can, and should be mourned. This doesn't mean a life of incessant sadness. It means being willing to admit to an honest feeling rather than always having to laugh off the pain. It's not only permissible to admit the sadness that accompanies any loss – it's the healthy option.” (p.139)
This means allowing yourself to know and work through the truth. And the truth will set you free.
All the best.
This chapter was truly a major eye-opener for me. It brought to my awareness that there are many things in my life that were denied, unresolved and repressed, which have kept me locked in the grieving process (also called the healing process/the forgiveness process/the “way that God works with us”, p.138). The intense fear of enduring the pain of facing present and past losses in my life has only served to limit my capacity for peace and well being. And when I look back in my life I see times where I have worked through specific losses to the place of acceptance, and this allows me to KNOW that it is possible for any and all losses including those that I had not acknowledged as being losses. There is a path to peace, healing and forgiveness.
Melody explains that every human being suffers losses, every change brings a loss. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross identified the stages of grief from the loss of a loved one, but the mental health profession has since acknowledged this process when any loss occurs. (p.134, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, On Death and Dying, New York: MacMillan Publishing, 1969). “The loss could be minor – a five-dollar bill, not receiving an expected letter – or it could be significant – the loss of a spouse through divorce or death, the loss of a job. Even positive change brings loss – when we buy a new house and leave the old one – and requires a progression through the five stages.” (p.134)
When you have been in or currently are in a close relationship with an alcoholic or person with another compulsive or personality disorder, the losses are major and significant. “Codependents never know what to expect... We are bombarded with problems, losses, and change. We endure shattered windows, missed appointments, broken promises, and outright lies. We lose financial security, emotional security, faith in the people we love, faith in God, and faith in ourselves. We may lose our physical well-being, our material goods, our ability to enjoy sex, our reputation, our social life, our career, our self-control, our self-esteem, and ourselves.” (p.130)
Melody goes on to say “Perhaps the most painful loss many codependents face is the loss of our dreams, the hopeful and sometimes idealistic expectations for the future that most people have.” (p.130) This can also mean coming to terms with the fact that your past and past relationships never were what why had idealized them to be, that you remained in denial about them. I recently came to terms with this reality about a relationship with an immediate family member. It never was a happy, healthy relationship, this person was never happy or healthy, and unless they were to make a decision to change at this point or in the future, I never would have the type of relationship with them that I longed for. And I have grieved that loss and have finally come to acceptance of that and finally removed my denial of that reality. And I am at peace with that, finally. It's a relief and is freeing.
I know that the fear of pain and the “what if's” of the future can feel insurmountable and paralyzing, but I also know you can conquer your fears as I am doing. I am no better or more blessed than you.
So what are these stages of grief, through denial to acceptance?
1. Denial
If you are codependent, you know this stage well. I believe that many people who are called depressed are actually in denial, as they have learned to not trust others, themselves, and God and they have lost hope, and they believe the way they feel is just “part of life” or “normal”. “There is much anxiety and fear in this stage... Reactions typical of denial include: refusing to believe reality...; denying or minimizing the importance of the loss...: denying any feelings about the loss...; or mental avoidance.” (p.134)
There is much “obsessing, controlling, repressing feelings.” And “we feel crazy because we are lying to ourselves. We feel crazy because we are believing other people's lies. Nothing will help us feel crazy faster than being lied to. Believing lies disrupts the core of our being. The deep, instinctive part of us knows the truth, but we are pushing that part away and telling it, 'You're wrong. Shut up.' According to counselor Scott Egleston, we then decide there's something fundamentally wrong with us for being suspicious, and we label ourselves and our innermost, intuitive being as untrustworthy.” (p.135) I feel that recognizing this is so important to getting our self-esteem back, to starting to live again.
Melody goes on to explain the function of denial, and quotes Noel Larsen, a licensed consulting psychologist, “Denial isn't lying. It's not letting yourself know what reality is.” (p.135)
2. Anger
“When we quit denying our loss, we move into the next stage: anger. Our anger may be reasonable or unreasonable... Depending on the nature of our loss, we may be a little peeved, somewhat angry, downright furious, or caught in the grips of a soul-shaking rage.” (p.136) Melody warns that this is why if you are confronting someone regarding a long-denied or repressed truth it can be potentially frightening and violent, so if you are planning an intervention or someone with a history of violent reactions you should seek professional help.(p.136)
3. Bargaining
“After we have calmed down, we attempt to strike a bargain with life, ourselves, another person, or God... We are not attempting to postpone the inevitable; we are attempting to prevent it. Sometimes the deals we negotiate are reasonable and productive: 'If my spouse and I get counselling, then we won't have to lose our relationship.' Sometimes our bargains are absurd: 'I used to think that if I just kept the house cleaner or if I cleaned the refrigerator good enough this time, then my husband wouldn't drink anymore,' recalls the wife of an alcoholic.” (p.137)
4. Depression
“When we see our bargain has not worked... we become sad, sometimes terribly depressed. This is the essence of grief: mourning at its fullest. This is what we have been attempting at all costs to avoid. This is the time to cry, and it hurts... It will disappear only when the process has been worked out and through.” (p.137, quoting Esther Olson, a family counselor who calls this the “forgiveness process”.)
5. Acceptance
This “should not be mistaken for a happy stage. It is almost void of feelings. It is as if the pain had gone, the struggle is over...” (p.137, quoting Elisabeth Kubler-Ross) “We are at peace... We are free! We have accepted our loss... We have adjusted and reorganized... We stop running, ducking, controlling, and hiding. And we know it is only from this point that we can go forward.” (p.137-138)
Melody makes a point about “feeling like we've gone crazy” as we deal with this process! “We will probably go through this process for anything that is a fact in our lives that we have not accepted... We may be in many stages of the grief process for several losses, all during the same time. We may not know what we are trying to accept... or that we are struggling to accept a situation.” (p.138) But we haven't gone crazy. We are dealing with a process, a necessary process, one we need to understand, one that is necessary. (p.138)
“Because this is a model, we may not go through the stages exactly as I have outlined them. We may travel back and forth: from anger to denial, from denial to bargaining, from bargaining back to denial... We don't necessarily have to let the stages dictate our behaviors, but each of us, for our well-being and ultimate acceptance, needs to spend individually appropriate time in each stage... Any event, any awareness that contains a sense of loss for you can, and should be mourned. This doesn't mean a life of incessant sadness. It means being willing to admit to an honest feeling rather than always having to laugh off the pain. It's not only permissible to admit the sadness that accompanies any loss – it's the healthy option.” (p.139)
This means allowing yourself to know and work through the truth. And the truth will set you free.
All the best.
Gretchen
Gretchen, thank you for a very insightful post.
ReplyDeleteYou are very welcome, Denise. I appreciate your comment!
ReplyDeleteAll the best, Gretchen