This week I am writing about Chapter 11 of “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie: Reading, analyzing, learning from, sharing my experiences and applying the insights in my life. (I highly recommend reading the book for a true understanding of codependency and reading the entire blog to avoid misunderstanding this information or taking statements out of context.)
Chapter 11: Have a Love Affair with Yourself
“This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.” - William Shakespeare
It's time to stop punishing ourselves. It's time to allow ourselves to be happy, even blissful, the way we were always meant to be. It's time to awaken each morning, remembering to, as Wayne Dyer says, “be like that baby you once were in terms of being joyful. You don’t need a reason to be happy. Your desire to be so is sufficient.” KNOW this. BELIEVE this.
Terry Cole-Whittaker points out that “bliss is the intrinsic nature of every soul... We must know that our thoughts and emotions are the very cause of what is happening and then we can, in a moment, change our future for the future... We are creatures of habit, and I was in the habit of trying to be what others wanted me to be instead of trusting and being myself... This required that I be willing to live without others' approval when necessary. Personal freedom requires us to follow our heart's desires and fulfill our divine, glorious destinies, even if others try to discourage or stop us.” (p.38, Live Your Bliss, Terry Cole-Whittaker.) If we do not love ourselves, we will will not believe that we are allowed and deserve bliss.
Melody points out “most codependents suffer from that vague and penetrating affliction, low self-worth.” (p.117)
We think and believe many debilitating myths, including:
• Our thoughts are wrong and inappropriate.
• We're not important.
• Our feelings don't matter.
• We're inferior, inappropriate.
• We should suffer and deserve to suffer. We have no right to be happy.
• We must be ruled by “shoulds” and should live in a constant state of unproductive guilt (which is different than “healthy” guilt, which alerts us to the need for evaluation and learning and the need to consider possible changes and actions, a guilt that can be used to grow and can be worked through and past).
• Our decisions can't be right, so we should change our minds often, but we'll never get it right anyway.
• Everything we've ever done is a mistake.
• God created in us a person totally inappropriate for life.
• We don't do enough.
• Destructive, unhealthy relationships are “normal” and all we will ever have. That's just life. Avoid people or relationships that feel too good or people who see our good or our power: those people must be wrong and not as smart as the ones who cut us down or steal our dreams.
• Everyone else knows more than us and is smarter than us so others should make our decisions and tell us what to do and tell us how to conduct our entire lives.
• We shouldn't enjoy life, or at least not too much.
• We should dwell on past painful memories and fear possible future disasters and “what if's”.
(p.117 - 122)
“This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.” - William Shakespeare
It's time to stop punishing ourselves. It's time to allow ourselves to be happy, even blissful, the way we were always meant to be. It's time to awaken each morning, remembering to, as Wayne Dyer says, “be like that baby you once were in terms of being joyful. You don’t need a reason to be happy. Your desire to be so is sufficient.” KNOW this. BELIEVE this.
Terry Cole-Whittaker points out that “bliss is the intrinsic nature of every soul... We must know that our thoughts and emotions are the very cause of what is happening and then we can, in a moment, change our future for the future... We are creatures of habit, and I was in the habit of trying to be what others wanted me to be instead of trusting and being myself... This required that I be willing to live without others' approval when necessary. Personal freedom requires us to follow our heart's desires and fulfill our divine, glorious destinies, even if others try to discourage or stop us.” (p.38, Live Your Bliss, Terry Cole-Whittaker.) If we do not love ourselves, we will will not believe that we are allowed and deserve bliss.
Melody points out “most codependents suffer from that vague and penetrating affliction, low self-worth.” (p.117)
We think and believe many debilitating myths, including:
• Our thoughts are wrong and inappropriate.
• We're not important.
• Our feelings don't matter.
• We're inferior, inappropriate.
• We should suffer and deserve to suffer. We have no right to be happy.
• We must be ruled by “shoulds” and should live in a constant state of unproductive guilt (which is different than “healthy” guilt, which alerts us to the need for evaluation and learning and the need to consider possible changes and actions, a guilt that can be used to grow and can be worked through and past).
• Our decisions can't be right, so we should change our minds often, but we'll never get it right anyway.
• Everything we've ever done is a mistake.
• God created in us a person totally inappropriate for life.
• We don't do enough.
• Destructive, unhealthy relationships are “normal” and all we will ever have. That's just life. Avoid people or relationships that feel too good or people who see our good or our power: those people must be wrong and not as smart as the ones who cut us down or steal our dreams.
• Everyone else knows more than us and is smarter than us so others should make our decisions and tell us what to do and tell us how to conduct our entire lives.
• We shouldn't enjoy life, or at least not too much.
• We should dwell on past painful memories and fear possible future disasters and “what if's”.
(p.117 - 122)
Alcoholism and other compulsive (or personality) disorders destroy self-worth in alcoholics and codependents and are self-destructive. (p.122)
The best way to stop believing this paralyzing, destructive thoughts is to change our thinking! How? Change the message we tell ourselves. Do it often, do it repetitively until it becomes real to us and our dominate way of thinking. Read on the subject, often. Play Cds, watch DVDs, post messages on our walls, write them on mirrors. We can only get that life we want, we can only make the laws of the universe work in our lives (including the most talked about Law of Attraction) by changing our thinking and this requires ACTION! Action to first change our thinking, then actions to bring the good stuff into our lives based on our new thinking.
Pages 122 to 127 are filled with many wonderful, life and thought changing affirmations to help us to stop torturing ourselves and fill ourselves with self-love, including:
• It's wonderful to be who we are. Our thoughts are okay. Our feelings are appropriate. We're right where we're supposed to be today, this moment. There is nothing fundamentally wrong with us. If we've done wrongs, that's okay; we were doing the best we could.
• We are loving, generous, good-hearted and concerned people – and we're going to learn how to stop allowing ourselves to be tricked into doing things that hurt us.
• We are the greatest thing that ever happened to us.
• We don't deserve second-best relationships! We are lovable, and we are worth getting to know. People who love and like us aren't stupid or inferior for doing that. We have a right to be happy. We deserve good things.
• Give ourselves a hug – we need to be compassionate and kind to ourselves. We need to nurture ourselves, rather than expecting someone else to do that for us or in place of us doing it, too.
• If we have real guilt, deal with it. Do what you think you need to do about it. Then move forward. God will forgive us. We need to forgive ourselves.
Melody includes an excerpt from Honoring the Self by Nathaniel Branden, on pages 125-126. I suggest reading, re-writing and printing the entire thing, as I am only including a small section here. (Please ask in the comments section if you would like me to post the entire excerpt.):
“Of all of the judgements we pass in life, none is as important as the one we pass on ourselves, for that judgment touches the very center of our existence.
...To honor the self is to live authentically, to speak and act from our innermost convictions and feelings.
... To honor the self is to be in love with our own life, in love with our possibilities for growth and for experiencing joy, in love with the process of discovery and exploring our distinctively human potentialities.
Thus we can begin to see that to honor the self is to practice selfishness in the highest, noblest, and least understood sense of that word. And this, I shall argue, requires enormous independence, courage and integrity.” (Branden, Honoring the Self, 1-4; )
There are many amazing and wise authors and teachers that focus on this self-love and self-healing, including Louise Hay, Wayne Dyer, Marianne Williamson, Cheryl Richardson, Michael Beckwith, Paul Hoffman, Bob Proctor and many more that all can be found on the Internet and through groups on FaceBook. I get daily affirmations and positive quotes from a number of wonderful sources and I encourage you to do the same. Read them often, at least once daily, to build that self love. You deserve it!
(Please share with me in the comments section any authors, books, movies or other sources that you have found especially helpful for building self-esteem.)
All the best!
Gretchen
The best way to stop believing this paralyzing, destructive thoughts is to change our thinking! How? Change the message we tell ourselves. Do it often, do it repetitively until it becomes real to us and our dominate way of thinking. Read on the subject, often. Play Cds, watch DVDs, post messages on our walls, write them on mirrors. We can only get that life we want, we can only make the laws of the universe work in our lives (including the most talked about Law of Attraction) by changing our thinking and this requires ACTION! Action to first change our thinking, then actions to bring the good stuff into our lives based on our new thinking.
Pages 122 to 127 are filled with many wonderful, life and thought changing affirmations to help us to stop torturing ourselves and fill ourselves with self-love, including:
• It's wonderful to be who we are. Our thoughts are okay. Our feelings are appropriate. We're right where we're supposed to be today, this moment. There is nothing fundamentally wrong with us. If we've done wrongs, that's okay; we were doing the best we could.
• We are loving, generous, good-hearted and concerned people – and we're going to learn how to stop allowing ourselves to be tricked into doing things that hurt us.
• We are the greatest thing that ever happened to us.
• We don't deserve second-best relationships! We are lovable, and we are worth getting to know. People who love and like us aren't stupid or inferior for doing that. We have a right to be happy. We deserve good things.
• Give ourselves a hug – we need to be compassionate and kind to ourselves. We need to nurture ourselves, rather than expecting someone else to do that for us or in place of us doing it, too.
• If we have real guilt, deal with it. Do what you think you need to do about it. Then move forward. God will forgive us. We need to forgive ourselves.
Melody includes an excerpt from Honoring the Self by Nathaniel Branden, on pages 125-126. I suggest reading, re-writing and printing the entire thing, as I am only including a small section here. (Please ask in the comments section if you would like me to post the entire excerpt.):
“Of all of the judgements we pass in life, none is as important as the one we pass on ourselves, for that judgment touches the very center of our existence.
...To honor the self is to live authentically, to speak and act from our innermost convictions and feelings.
... To honor the self is to be in love with our own life, in love with our possibilities for growth and for experiencing joy, in love with the process of discovery and exploring our distinctively human potentialities.
Thus we can begin to see that to honor the self is to practice selfishness in the highest, noblest, and least understood sense of that word. And this, I shall argue, requires enormous independence, courage and integrity.” (Branden, Honoring the Self, 1-4; )
There are many amazing and wise authors and teachers that focus on this self-love and self-healing, including Louise Hay, Wayne Dyer, Marianne Williamson, Cheryl Richardson, Michael Beckwith, Paul Hoffman, Bob Proctor and many more that all can be found on the Internet and through groups on FaceBook. I get daily affirmations and positive quotes from a number of wonderful sources and I encourage you to do the same. Read them often, at least once daily, to build that self love. You deserve it!
(Please share with me in the comments section any authors, books, movies or other sources that you have found especially helpful for building self-esteem.)
All the best!
Gretchen
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