Part 8 - Learning from "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie

This week I am writing about Chapter 10 of “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie: Reading, analyzing, learning from, sharing my experiences and applying the insights in my life. (I highly recommend reading the book for a true understanding of codependency and reading the entire blog to avoid misunderstanding this information or taking statements out of context.)

Chapter 10: Live Your Own Life
Ms. Beattie has written another amazing chapter!

When you have done the work to be able to detach, "each of us is left with ourselves." (p.113) Once we stop blaming both ourselves and others, now we can begin to see we can live in joy, we can change. We will stop hurting when we begin to change. (p.114) We can do it! ("I Can Do It!" is the name of a (Louise) Hay House seminar coming to San Diego and Toronto worth checking out this spring. I'll be going to the Toronto event. See www.hayhouse.com.)

We can heal and love and nurture our inner child. We can expose ourselves to loving, wonderful experiences, thoughts and relationships. We can learn to face the anger of others, manipulation and general conflict with courage, grace and faith in God that we were meant to be happy. Guilt can be banished. Peace can be our inner and outer experience.

When we realize that we can love others without making our primary purpose to take care of other people or being an appendage to others, we "tap into our purpose in life". (p.114) The world opens up and we can see a bigger, broader picture and perspective.

Melody explains what self-care is: it's "an attitude toward ourselves and our lives that says, I am responsible for myself. I am responsible for leading or not living my life. I am responsible for tending to my spiritual, emotional, physical and financial well-being.... My feelings can be trusted. My thinking is appropriate. I value my wants and needs. I do not deserve and will not tolerate abuse or constant mistreatment." (p.115) Pages 114 to 114 provide excellent affirmations to say daily, which I often do to remind myself of how I deserve to be treated.

There is a new book available by Cheryl Richardson entitled "The Art of Extreme Self Care," which I look forward to reading.

"My decisions will also take into account my responsibilities to others... I will examine and decide exactly what these responsibilities are as I make my decisions." (p.115)

When you have become accustomed to allowing other to decide for you it is a challenge at first to accept that you do have a right and responsibility to make healthy decisions in your own life. Just as we learned to read and write, we can learn self-care and change our paradigms to know it is the only way to get to true health and happiness and in time it will feel normal and will become a part of who we are. Those of us with children can be proud of ourselves for our efforts on their behalf, as a healthy parent teaches healthy habits. If we love ourselves, we can teach them to truly love themselves and life then becomes much easier.

Changing the way we treat ourselves and how we expect others to treat us "may be a shock to us and our family systems at first." (p.115) As it was once said to me, "when you change, the people around you change." The people around you can adapt to the "new you". That implies a change within them. We will also attract new people into our lives, those who are attracted to our new-found confidence and self-respect. And we may decide that there are some who we no longer chose to have the same type of relationship or closeness with, or maybe it's time for a relationship that is unhealthy to end. God and our inner guidance system can help us make these decisions over time. It's all a process and a journey. We learn to relax about change.

"Some of us have falsely believed our needs aren't important and we shouldn't mention them. Some of us even began to believe our needs are bad or wrong, so we've learned to repress them and push them out of awareness... Some of us haven't learned how to get our needs met appropriately." (p. 116)

The solution? "In any given situation, detach and ask "What do I need to do to take care of myself?" Then "listen to ourselves and to our Higher Power. Respect what we hear... We can be gentle with ourselves and accept ourselves. We're not only merely human, we were created and intended to be human. And we can be compassionate with ourselves." (p.116)

Melody explains what giving ourselves what we need looks like. We think we know how to give others what they need, so now it is time to apply it to ourselves. I think if we allow ourselves to think about it for a minute or two, we can figure it out. The first step is just allowing ourselves to do it and knowing it's right - giving ourselves permission to love ourselves and listen to our selves and our inner child. Please read pages 116 and 117 if you just are unsure where to start - and have hope that you CAN trust yourself. You can to eliminate "shoulds" and guilt as well. (p.117)

This self care could include:

• Slowing down, having a nap, being alone.



• Exercising, doing yoga or meditating.



• Being with others, talking, crying, getting a hug, kiss or back rub.



• Tending to our responsibilities to others in an appropriate, healthy way.



• Releasing anxiety by going to an Al-Anon meeting, reading affirmations or an inspirational book.



• Seeing a doctor or counselor.



• Taking a class, pursue an interest, hobby or dream - you are allowed!



• Setting boundaries with someone or creating a discipline plan for our children.



• Deal with our feelings, detach, slow down, make an amend (doing the 12 step program is a later chapter), do an intervention, initiate a relationship, or file for divorce. It's up to us. What do we think we need to do?



• Live our own lives - these are all part of pages 116 and 117 and you owe it to yourself and those who love you to read them and take action.
  

With codependency you learn to not listen to yourself and your intuition. It's time to change that, "forgive ourselves when we make mistakes and congratulate ourselves when we do well. We also get comfortable doing some things poorly and some things with mediocrity, for that is part of life too. We learn to laugh at ourselves and our humanity, but we don't laugh when we need to cry. We take ourselves seriously but not too seriously." (p.117)

I have found that it helps to realize that we don't need to take things personally. Miguel Ruiz writes in "The Four Agreements" about this important concept. Agreement number 2 states: "Don't take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the actions and opinions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering." (From the website, http://www.miguelruiz.com/. ) I have also learned of a book entitled "What You Think of Me is None of My Business" by Whittaker Cole about taking back your power. Please let me know if you have read it and tell me your thoughts in the comment section, or share any helpful books or movies on the subject.

We can all learn to take care of ourselves. I'm getting better at it all the time! Melody suggests stopping and asking ourselves daily what we need to do to take care of ourselves, or even hourly if you are going through a crisis. (p.118) We can find and live our truth. Having a daily self-care ritual and schedule works for many.

Please share any ideas or tools that you have used to take care of yourself. I do not claim to be an expert - yet!

The very exciting thing is that we can work through these issues, change our paradigms and move forward uncover our ideals, set goals, deal with feelings, work a Twelve Step program, and more, (p.115), and these are topics of later chapters. In my experience, the issues of codependency need to be worked through, not repressed, to get to the place of having the "life of your dreams". And the pace of working things through is different for everyone and should not be judged by others. Live and Let Live.

You are not alone, and neither am I. And I am glad you are part of this journey with me.

All the best!

Gretchen