Part 7 - Learning from "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie

This week I am writing about Chapter 9 of “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie: Reading, analyzing, learning from, sharing my experiences and applying the insights in my life. (I highly recommend reading the book for a true understanding of codependency and reading the entire blog to avoid misunderstanding this information or taking statements out of context.)

Chapter 9: Undependence

This chapter is about getting "unstuck" in relationships and learning that we CAN take care of ourselves and be happy. It offers hope, encouragement and specific steps we can take to make this happen. (Keep in mind that we are referring to codependency in past or present relationships as well as relationships with people with other compulsive behaviors, as explained in earlier parts of this blog.)

"Whether codependents appear fragile and helpless, or sturdy and powerful, most of us are frightened, needy, vulnerable children who are aching and desperate to be loved and cared for... We need someone, anyone, to rescue us from the stark loneliness, alienation and pain." (p.98) These feelings began from situations where people have abandoned, rejected or abused us in the present or past.

(I have experienced these feelings and do now realize it really isn't logical. I have cared for myself and others all my life, and often those who were "caring for and loving" me were not doing this at all, yet I felt I could not live without them, that being "alone" was worse than suffering from abuse! Or that I was "bad" if I expected to be treated better. I've "avoided pain", thinking that if I really said and did what I thought I needed to do, the pain would be too great to handle, or that I would be "wrong". Yet I was instead living with pain and anxiety on a daily basis anyway, not realizing that by dealing with the situation in new ways I could work through the pain to a better, healthy place.)

Melody points out that even the healthiest relationships have a certain amount of emotional dependency, but when we are controlled by a needing people too much and expect the other person to be the key to our happiness, this is unhealthy. "Needing people so much, yet believing we are unlovable and people will never be there for us, can become a deeply ingrained belief." This can ruin also ruin relationships that could be good. Or sometimes we settle for too little and become trapped. (p. 99) This is not the same as love, it is self-destructive. As the distinction between "love" and "addiction" (meaning an addiction to a person or a relationship) can be hard to discern at times, Melody offers a chart comparing and contrasting the two on pages 110 and 111.

Excuses can be made to avoid the reality of a dysfunctional relationship: "But I love him/her!" (p.100) Or, according to Colette Dowling in The Cinderella Complex, we may play tricks on ourselves to disguise our codependency, such as "making someone more than he or she is ('He's such a genius; that's why I stick with him.'), making someone less that he or she is ('Men are such babies; they can't take care of themselves.') and - the favorite trick of codependents - caretaking." (p.101) (Caretaking was discussed in an earlier part of the blog.)

"'Undependence' is a term Penelope Russianoff uses in her book to describe that desirable balance wherein we acknowledge and meet our healthy, natural needs for people and love, yet we don't become overly or harmfully dependent on them." (p. 100) Melody explains that many of us had unmet needs from mothers and fathers who were unable to meet our needs, so we repeat this cycle in search of love and approval. We've been taught not to trust ourselves, when confronting a lie or inconsistency we are told we are wrong or we're crazy. "We lose faith in that deep, important part of ourselves that feels appropriate feelings, senses truth, and has the ability to handle life's situations... We look at the people around us - sometimes sick, troubled, out of control people - and we think, 'They're okay. They must be. They told me so. So it must be true.'" (p.103)

The wonderful news is that we CAN take care of ourselves and "being ourselves and being responsible for ourselves do not have to be so painful and scary." But it does take time and effort. Especially if you are emotionally and/or financially dependent on someone.

Melody offers 6 ideas to help, a way to get started towards the healing needed. (She goes into some detail on each, so please check-out the book if you do need this help.)

1. Finish up business from our childhoods, as best as we can. Grieve. Get some perspective. Figure out how events from our childhoods are affecting what we're doing now. (Doing some reading, writing or therapy around paradigms, self-esteem and grief and loss will help. I can offer numerous books on the subjects, so please ask if you'd like suggestions. You can find me on Facebook.)
2. Nurture and cherish the frightened, vulnerable, needy child inside us. The child may never completely disappear, no matter how self-sufficient we become. Stress may cause the child to cry out. Unprovoked, the child may come out and demand attention when we least expect it.
3. Stop looking for happiness in other people. Our source of happiness and well-being is not inside others; it's inside us. Learn to center ourselves in ourselves.
4. We can learn to depend on ourselves. Maybe other people haven't been there for us, but we can start being there for us.
5. We can depend on God, too. He's there, and He cares. Our spiritual beliefs can provide us with a strong sense of emotional security.
6. Strive for undependence. Begin examining the ways we are dependent, emotionally and financially, on the people around us.

I offer a 7th tip: Use repetition to get the positive, new, healthy affirmations and ideas into your head. Reading this once is just a start, and just as the negative messages were drilled into you over time, it will take time to sort through them and re-program yourself with the good, healthy stuff. If needed, read the messages you need to hear, like this blog or Melody's book, every day, even every hour if needed. Listen to CDs, watch DVDs, go to workshops, go to Ala-Non, see a therapist, talk to a loving friend or family member, have healthy friends and helpful fan pages and groups on Facebook, go to your church/synagogue/mosque or other place of worship, meditate. Do what you need to do as often as you need to do it. There is nothing more important. If you can't receive this love from yourself and God, you can't give from a healthy place either.

Have hope, despite your fear. "You can get through the dark situations. You can take care of yourself and trust yourself. Trust God. Go as far as you can see, and by the time you get there, you'll be able to see farther. It's called One Day at a Time." (p.109)

If I can do it, so can you. : ) xo