Part 6 - Learning from "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie

This week I am writing about Chapter 8 of “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie: Reading, analyzing, learning from, sharing my experiences and applying the insights.

Chapter 8: Remove the Victim
This chapter is powerful and very important.

Stephen B. Karpman observed the following pattern with codependents as caretakers - rescuers. (From Claude M. Steiner, Scripts People Live.) “They rescue, then they persecute, then they end up victimized.” (p.83) He called this the Karpman Drama Triangle. You picture the triangle – RESCUER on the top, PERSECUTOR on the bottom right, VICTIM on the bottom left.

So what is RESCUING? Caretaking, taking care of their responsibilities, enabling (“a destructive form of helping”). “As counselor Scott Egleston says, we rescue anytime we take responsibility for another human being – for that person's thoughts, feelings, decisions, behaviors, growth, well-being, problems, or destiny.” (p.84)

When doing this, it often creates feelings: “discomfort and awkwardness about the other person's dilemma; urgency to do something; pity; guilt; saintliness; anxiety extreme responsibility for the person or problem; fear; a sense of feeling compelled or forced to do something; mild or severe reluctance to do anything; more competency than the person we are “helping: or occasional resentment at being in that position. We also think that person we are taking care of is helpless and unable to do what we are doing for him or her. We feel needed temporarily.” (p.85)
There is an important distinction between healthy “acts of love, kindness, compassion, and true helping – situations where our assistance is legitimately wanted and needed and we want to give that assistance. These acts are the good stuff of life. Rescuing and caretaking isn't.” (p.85)

What is PERSECUTION, that next corner of the triangle? “We become resentful and angry at the person we have so generously “helped.” We've done something we didn't want to do, we've done something that was not our responsibility to do, we've ignored our own needs and wants, and we get angry about it.” (p.85) Then they often are not grateful or appreciative, so now we are resentful and move them to the persecution corner.

The result is the final move: VICTIMIZATION. “This is the predictable and unavoidable result of a rescue. Feelings of helplessness, hurt, sorrow, shame, and self-pity abound. We have been used – again.” (p.86)

Melody points out the important fact that “many codependents, at some time in their lives, were true victims – of someone's abuse, neglect, abandonment, alcoholism, or any number of other situations that can victimize people.” I must add that many people are also victimized by people who are manipulators, those with personality disorders (such as narcissism and borderline personality disorders), those with mental illness or others with habits and/or addictions that interfere with healthy, happy, functioning relationships. But “rescuing or caretaking is not an act of love. The Drama Triangle is a hate triangle. It fosters and maintains self-hate, and it hinders our feelings for other people.” (p87)

The problem is “we don't assume responsibility for our highest responsibility – ourselves.” (p.89)

Melody also notes that if you are in a professional helper role for your job and are feeling you are giving but receiving far less in return, you can develop this feeling of victimization.(p.89) Caring for infant children can also create codependent blues if that person does not take care of him – or herself. (p.91)

They heart of most rescues is low self-worth. “We don't feel lovable, so we settle for being needed. We don't feel good about ourselves, so we feel compelled to do a particular thing to prove how good we are. We rescue because we don't feel good about other people either” and their ability to handle responsibilities. (p.91)

Melody talks about the Bible, God and giving. I have a limited understanding of non-Christian religious beliefs, but much of what she says is probably in-line with other belief systems. She believes, and I agree, that God “wants us to give from a position of high self-esteem... If we absolutely can't feel good about something we're doing, then we shouldn't do it – no matter how charitable it seems. We also shouldn't do things for others that they ought to and are capable of doing themselves.” (p.93)

I have taken this information to heart in the past few weeks and it is making a big impact in my life already. As Melody states, “We can learn to recognize a rescue. Refuse to rescue. Refuse to let people rescue us. Take responsibility for ourselves, and let others do the same. Whether we change our attitudes, our circumstances, our behaviors, or our minds, the kindest thing we can do is remove the victims – ourselves.” (p.94)