This week I am writing about Chapter 7 of “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie: Reading, analyzing, learning from, sharing my experiences and applying the insights.
Chapter 7: Set Yourself Free
I am not someone who believes in “meaningless coincidences”. What I believe is that if you are getting a message multiple times in multiple ways in a short period of time, you need to PAY ATTENTION & LEARN SOMETHING!
So I do not think it was just a coincidence that I got the same message this past week from Melody's book, another book I'm reading (“You Were Born Rich” by Bob Proctor) and from a CD I was listening to from “The Science of Getting Rich” (by Michael Beckwith, Bob Proctor and Jack Canfield, who were all part of “The Secret”). The message: “Let Go and Let God”!
I was also reminded of this message today from Lee, my boyfriend, when a situation arose for me that I got very stressed about and he said “all you can do is make your desires known, then it is out of your hands and others will make the choices they make”. And it's really that simple, but not always easy in the mind of a codependent!
Chapter 7 focuses on the fact that codependents are controllers. We don't think we are. We think other people are controlling. They are trying to force us to think and do things, to manipulate us. And maybe that is the case, but rather than take responsibility for our part and our reactions we often do not accept this responsibility.
Melody lists the many ways we control, including trying to talk into, demonstrate how much we've been hurt, trying to please, being martyrs, doing things we don't want to do, give into.... (p.76). It's a long list!
Then there are “justifications” for trying to force things to happen: “we're only trying to help, we know best how things should go and how people should behave, we're right and they're wrong.” We afraid not to control. We don't know what else to do. We want to stop the pain and it's the way we've always done things. (p.76)
And I can now see this in myself. I didn't know how to NOT control, I didn't know how to let go or how to really “trust God”. You know the song “Jesus Take the Wheel” by Carrie Underwood? Well I would only let Jesus share the wheel as long as I was holding it with him! But there is a better way.
As Melody says, we “hold on tightly and don't let go... If we charge ahead insistently enough, we can (we believe) stop the flow of life, transform people, and change things to our liking. We are fooling ourselves.” (p.77) “When we attempt to control people and things that we have no business controlling, we are controlled. We forfeit our power to think, feel, and act in accordance with our best interests.” (p.80) This reminds me of a statement made earlier in the book about codependence being a way to get our needs met that doesn't get our needs met. We just don't know any other way to do things that feels safe.
Pages 80 to 81 have such powerful messages for those having a hard time letting go, even when the person you are dealing with has no addictive or compulsive disorder. Melody believes (and now so do I, thanks largely to Melody's teachings) and states “that clutching tightly to a person or thing, or forcing my will on any given situation eliminates the possibility of my Higher Power doing anything constructive about the situation, the person or me. My controlling blocks God's power. It blocks other people's ability to grow. It stop events from happening naturally. It prevents me from enjoying people or events.” (p.80)
People change when they want to change, and if they appear to change because we are trying to force the change, it is usually only superficial. “They will change only when they are ready to change. It doesn't matter if they're wrong and we're right. It doesn't matter if they're hurting themselves. It doesn't matter that we could help them if they'd only listen to, and cooperate with, us. IT DOESN'T MATTER. IT DOESN'T MATTER. IT DOESN'T MATTER.” (p.81)
“We can sometimes do things that increase the probability that people will want to change, but we can't even guarantee or control that... The only person that it is our business to control is yourself. “ (p. 81) That simple statement is so powerful. And if we “let go and let God” he will help us do that.
“When you have done all that you can do, it is time to detach. Deal with your feelings. Face your fears about losing control. Gain control of yourself and your responsibilities. Free others to be who they are. In so doing, you will set yourself free.” (p.82)
Amen to that!
(I'll be back next time with Chapter 8.)
Chapter 7: Set Yourself Free
I am not someone who believes in “meaningless coincidences”. What I believe is that if you are getting a message multiple times in multiple ways in a short period of time, you need to PAY ATTENTION & LEARN SOMETHING!
So I do not think it was just a coincidence that I got the same message this past week from Melody's book, another book I'm reading (“You Were Born Rich” by Bob Proctor) and from a CD I was listening to from “The Science of Getting Rich” (by Michael Beckwith, Bob Proctor and Jack Canfield, who were all part of “The Secret”). The message: “Let Go and Let God”!
I was also reminded of this message today from Lee, my boyfriend, when a situation arose for me that I got very stressed about and he said “all you can do is make your desires known, then it is out of your hands and others will make the choices they make”. And it's really that simple, but not always easy in the mind of a codependent!
Chapter 7 focuses on the fact that codependents are controllers. We don't think we are. We think other people are controlling. They are trying to force us to think and do things, to manipulate us. And maybe that is the case, but rather than take responsibility for our part and our reactions we often do not accept this responsibility.
Melody lists the many ways we control, including trying to talk into, demonstrate how much we've been hurt, trying to please, being martyrs, doing things we don't want to do, give into.... (p.76). It's a long list!
Then there are “justifications” for trying to force things to happen: “we're only trying to help, we know best how things should go and how people should behave, we're right and they're wrong.” We afraid not to control. We don't know what else to do. We want to stop the pain and it's the way we've always done things. (p.76)
And I can now see this in myself. I didn't know how to NOT control, I didn't know how to let go or how to really “trust God”. You know the song “Jesus Take the Wheel” by Carrie Underwood? Well I would only let Jesus share the wheel as long as I was holding it with him! But there is a better way.
As Melody says, we “hold on tightly and don't let go... If we charge ahead insistently enough, we can (we believe) stop the flow of life, transform people, and change things to our liking. We are fooling ourselves.” (p.77) “When we attempt to control people and things that we have no business controlling, we are controlled. We forfeit our power to think, feel, and act in accordance with our best interests.” (p.80) This reminds me of a statement made earlier in the book about codependence being a way to get our needs met that doesn't get our needs met. We just don't know any other way to do things that feels safe.
Pages 80 to 81 have such powerful messages for those having a hard time letting go, even when the person you are dealing with has no addictive or compulsive disorder. Melody believes (and now so do I, thanks largely to Melody's teachings) and states “that clutching tightly to a person or thing, or forcing my will on any given situation eliminates the possibility of my Higher Power doing anything constructive about the situation, the person or me. My controlling blocks God's power. It blocks other people's ability to grow. It stop events from happening naturally. It prevents me from enjoying people or events.” (p.80)
People change when they want to change, and if they appear to change because we are trying to force the change, it is usually only superficial. “They will change only when they are ready to change. It doesn't matter if they're wrong and we're right. It doesn't matter if they're hurting themselves. It doesn't matter that we could help them if they'd only listen to, and cooperate with, us. IT DOESN'T MATTER. IT DOESN'T MATTER. IT DOESN'T MATTER.” (p.81)
“We can sometimes do things that increase the probability that people will want to change, but we can't even guarantee or control that... The only person that it is our business to control is yourself. “ (p. 81) That simple statement is so powerful. And if we “let go and let God” he will help us do that.
“When you have done all that you can do, it is time to detach. Deal with your feelings. Face your fears about losing control. Gain control of yourself and your responsibilities. Free others to be who they are. In so doing, you will set yourself free.” (p.82)
Amen to that!
(I'll be back next time with Chapter 8.)
Thank You.
ReplyDeleteYou are welcome, Phil. All the best.
ReplyDelete