Part 4 - Learning from "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie

This week I am writing about Chapters 5 and 6 of “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie: Reading, analyzing, learning from, sharing my experiences and applying the insights.


Chapter 5: Detachment
The focus here is on what detachment is and why a codependent would want to do it, really why you must do it for a healthier, happier life. “It appears that even our Higher Power can't do much with us until we have detached.” (p.57) Once you get that part at least somewhat under control and you find some calmness, some peace, you will be able to then move the focus where it belongs, on you.

The thought of detaching from the person or persons that you are obsessing over at first does not seem “right” or possible. It seems we're just being “who we are” or being a "good person", doing what “God wants”. One reason for this distorted view is codependents confuse love and caring with unhealthy “attachment, which is becoming overly-involved, sometimes hopelessly entangled.” (p. 57) We lose ourselves.

Forms of attachment are on page 58, and are worth listing here:
• We may become excessively worried about, and preoccupied with, a problem or person (our mental energy is attached).
• Or, we may graduate to becoming obsessed with and controlling of the people and problems in our environment (our mental, physical, and emotional energy is directed at the object of our obsession).
• We may become reactionaries, instead of acting authentically or our own volition (our mental, emotions, and physical energy is attached.)
• We may become emotionally dependent on the people around us (now we're really attached).
• We may become caretakers (rescuers, enablers) to the people around us (firmly attaching ourselves to their need for us).

I realized in my adulthood that I was experiencing this excessive worry often when it came to my mother. Granted, she expected and reinforced this behavior in me her entire life. But I finally realized one day when I was once again re-arranging my whole life to “immediately” drive 5 hours to see my mother and bring her “things she needed”, that this was not healthy. Helping my mother, caring and wanting to be with her were not the problem, it was this sense of urgency and obligation to make sure her needs were met NOW without full regard to if the timing was good for me and my family that made my behavior codependent. It was like I and I alone was my mother's keeper, I felt responsible for making her happy. And when others refer to you as “responsible, giving, loving”, you can often feel that you are being “good” and doing the right thing. Again, It's not about NOT helping, it's about how and when you help, what is motivating you and if you are also getting your own needs met, if they are even being considered.

(There can also be situations when we are “helping” or “fixing” someone when it is not requested, the person we keep losing sleep over and worrying about does not want our help or interference! As explained in earlier chapters, this “help” can be seen as being manipulative and controlling and can make others push us away.)

Worrying “is wasted energy... Worrying and obsessing keep us so tangled in our heads we can't solve our problems. Whenever we become attached in these ways to someone or something, we become detached from ourselves. We lose touch with ourselves. We forfeit our power and ability to think, feel, act and take care of ourselves. We lose control.” (p. 58) “Maybe we are afraid to let go, because when we let go in the past, terrible hurtful things happened.” (p.61)

Detachment “may be scary at first, but it will ultimately work better for everyone involved. (p.61)

So what is “detaching”? “Ideally, detachment is releasing, or detaching from, a person or problem in love. We mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically disengage ourselves from unhealthy (and frequently painful) entanglements with another person's life and responsibilities, and from problems we cannot solve... We strive to ascertain what it is we can change and what we cannot change. Then we stop trying to change things we can't. We do what we can to solve a problem, and then we stop fretting and stewing.” (p.62) “It involves present moment living and accepting reality – the facts.” (p. 63)

Sometimes it helps to be “given permission” to detach, before you allow yourself to do this, as we may see it as being selfish in a negative way. I give you permission to detach. Melody Beatty gives you permission. And I truly believe that God gives you permission. God wants you to not only respect and honor others, but to respect and honor yourself. You deserve that, you deserve to have peace and to be happy.

How do we detach? Melody gets into more detail in later chapters, but here she suggests an Ala-Non and AA three-part formula: “'HOW': Honesty, Openness and Willingness to try... You need a little humility, surrender, and effort and it can become a habitual response with practice.” (p.64)

When should we detach? “When we feel we can no longer live with the problem we've been trying to live with.” (p.65)

"Although it is difficult, detach in love, or detach in anger, but strive for detachment... If you can't let go completely, try to 'hang on loose'. Relax. Sit back. Now take a deep breath. The focus is on you.” (p.66)

Chapter 6: Don't Be Blown About by Every Wind
“Most codependents are reactionaries... We react with fear and anxiety... WE JUMP INTO THE FIRST FEELING THAT COMES OUR WAY AND THEN WALLOW IN IT.” (p.67, 68)

Melody goes on to explain why we do this, and even more importantly, states that we don't have to! “We don't have to be so afraid of people" and feelings. "We don't have to forfeit our peace... We don't have to forfeit our power to think and feel for anyone or anything... We don't have to take things so seriously... We don't have to take other people's behaviors as reflections of our self-image... We don't have to take rejection as a reflection of our self-worth... We don't have to take things so personally... We have options.” (p.69-71)

Melody also makes it clear that reactions can be normal and useful, it's the reacting too much that is the problem.

Thankfully, she then gives tips to help us to detach with more detail than listed here. These are worth reading and re-reading as it is “simple, but not easy”. (Actually, the whole book is worth reading and re-reading!)
1. Learn to recognize when you're reacting, when you are allowing someone or something to yank your strings.
2. Make yourself comfortable, relax.
3. Examine what happened.
4. Figure out what you need to do to take care of yourself. (p.73-74)

“You are responsible for helping yourself see the light and for setting yourself straight. If you can't get peaceful about a decision, let it go. It's not time to make it yet. Wait until your mind is consistent and your emotions are calm. Slow down. You don't have to feel so frightened. You don't have to feel so frantic. Keep things in perspective. Make life easier for you.” (p.74)

I am so glad that I am allowed to do that. Thank you God, for the help and support of Melody Beattie and others in my life now and those who will be in my life in the future, who will give me more of the support, answers and love I need.

(Next time I will blog about Chapter 7. Goodnight!)