Part 3 - Learning from "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie

This week I am writing about Chapters 3 and 4 of “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie: Reading, analyzing, learning from, sharing my experiences and applying the insights.

Chapter 3: Codependency
This chapter reveals that the term “codependency” has been defined many different ways and it is hard to find one, agreed upon definition. There are many definitions mentioned, among them:
1. Being a partner in dependency (p.31)
2. An emotional, psychological and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual's prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules – rules which prevent the open expression of feeling as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems. (p.32)
3. It means I'm always looking for someone to glob onto. (p.32)
Never thought of it like #3, but that's humorous and to the point and has been true of me far too often!

A common denominator that produces codependency is an “unwritten, silent rules that usually develop in the immediate family and set the pace for relationships. These rules prohibit: discussion about problems; open expression of feelings; direct, honest communication; realistic expectations, such as being human, vulnerable, or imperfect; selfishness; trust in other people and one's self; playing and having fun; and rocking the delicately balanced family canoe through growth or change – however healthy and beneficial that movement may be. These rules are common to alcoholic family systems but can emerge in other families too.” (p.35) Wow, do I recognize these patterns in my life. But it's very empowering to realize is that they are not “normal” or healthy and that I can and should change them in my life.

Defining the problem helps determine the solution. “It means feeling better. It means recovery... The heart of the definition and recovery lies not in the other person – no matter how much we believe it does.” (p.36)

And this next part is so key, something I've tried to understand for a few years and really just could not get. And reading this over twice this week made me really, finally get it: Recovery “lies in ourselves, in the ways we have let other people's behavior affect us and in the ways we try to affect them: the obsessing, the controlling, the obsessive “helping,” caretaking, low self-worth bordering on self-hatred, self-repression, abundance of anger and guilt, peculiar dependency on peculiar people, attraction to and tolerance of the bizarre, other-centeredness that results in abandonment of self, communication problems, intimacy problems, and an ongoing whirlwind trip through the five-stage grief process.” (p.36)

(I have felt that “grief process.” Melody does not elaborate on that here, so I hope she does later in the book, but if she does not, I will look for something else on the grief process and how it can play out in dysfunctional relationships.)

But “Friends, we have suffered enough. We have been victimized by diseases and people. Each of us must decide what part we played in our victimization.” (p.37) That's the only way to take control, to not be “the victim”, to move through and beyond the depression and hopelessness of disempowerment.

Melody points out that “as a problem becomes more serious and remains unresolved, we become more affected and react more intensely to it. The word react is important here...codependency is primarily a reactionary process. Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact. They under-react. But rarely do they act... It is heroic and life-saving to learn how to not react and to act in more healthy ways. Most of us, however, need help to learn to do that.” (p.38)

She goes on to say that a codependents habits become habitual and self-destructive. They “lead us into, or keep us in, destructive relationships, relationships that don't work. These behaviors can sabotage relationships that my otherwise have worked. These behaviors can prevent us from finding peace and happiness with the most important person in our lives – ourselves.” It's our problem, but we can change.

Chapter 4: Codependent Characteristics
This chapter starts with the well-known Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference. (p.41)

I have always struggled with the last part, as I mistakenly thought I should be able to change anything that is not pleasing to me and should keep trying to “force” my way for an indefinite time in as many ways as possible! Fortunately, as I am healing and becoming healthier, I am learning more and more and gaining that “wisdom to know the difference”, thankfully! (I know that part of my issues are rooted in the fact that since I was young it was assumed that I would look after my alcoholic and bipolar mother and play the mother role to my 3 brothers before and after my mother left when I was 12.)

Part of the healing is realizing that “having these problems does not mean we're bad, defective or inferior.” (p.41) And we don't need to carry shame or guilt over what we did or didn't do in the past. “Most of us started doing these things out of necessity to protect ourselves and meet our needs... Most of us have been trying to cope with outrageous circumstances, and these efforts have been both admirable and heroic. We've done the best we could... Many codependents are barely surviving, and most aren't getting their needs met... Codependency is a way of getting our needs met that doesn't get our needs met. We've been doing the wrong things for the right reasons.” (p.42)

The paradigms of codependents are so deeply rooted that in my experience it is not an easy task to dissect them and allow yourself to change, even if you are consciously trying. In my case, the first major step was when I drove into a truck repair shop about 9 year ago. My 3 year old son had been playing with the buttons for the window control in my husband's truck. He played with it repeatedly and broke the control. I knew my husband would be extremely upset with me and my son, so I immediately drove to the repair shop to get it fixed. The woman who I spoke to when I brought in the vehicle said she wasn't sure if they could get it fixed that day. I got visibly upset and asked her if there was anything that they could do to fix it right away. When she questioned me further, I explained that my husband would be upset and I would rather have it fixed first and tell him after. She put one hand on each of my shoulders, looked me in the eye and said “No one should ever have to be afraid to tell anyone anything.” Well that did it! I started balling with this complete stranger in the auto repair shop! With just a few words she saw through to my soul – the fear, the pain, the secrets, the struggle to try to make things right. That did it – the damn had broken. Later that day I found a therapist in the phone book and made my first appointment to deal with MY problem. After that, other people, events, books and ideas have crossed my path and have moved me forward to continue getting happier and healthier. Maybe the help and answers were there before that, I just didn't really see them until that day, until I clearly saw that I had a problem that I was no longer willing to live with.

As Melody points out: “The first step towards change is awareness. The second step is acceptance.” (p.42) She then goes on to point out the many characteristics of codependents in detail, in 10 pages and divided into 14 categories. I will just list the categories here, but if you have real interest in this subject it is well worth reading them for yourself, especially if you are searching for awareness and answers for yourself or a loved one.

The 14 categories of codependent characteristics that Melody compiled include:
Caretaking
Low-Self-Worth
Repression
Obsession
Controlling
Denial
Dependency
Poor Communication
Weak Boundaries
Lack of Trust
Anger
Sex Problems
Miscellaneous
Progressive

If you think you are codependent, “what's most important is that you first identify behaviors or areas that cause you problems, and then decide what you want to do.” (p.53)

It's so key to realize that “it is a paradoxical dependency. Codependents appear to be depended upon, but they are dependent. They look strong but feel helpless. They appear controlling but in reality are controlled themselves, sometimes by an illness such as alcoholism.” (p.54)

But the fantastic thing is that discovering and working on codependency does not need to be long and gruelling! And this next part is a bit long, but I MUST re-print it all because it is so important:

“Recovery from codependency is exciting. It is liberating. It lets us be who we are. It lets other people be who they are. It helps us own our God-given power to think, feel and act. It feels good. It brings peace. It enables us to love ourselves and others. It allows us to receive love – some of the good stuff we've all been looking for. It provides an optimum environment for the people around us to get and stay healthy. And recovery helps stop the unbearable pain many of us have been living with.

Recovery is not only fun, it is simple. It is not always easy, but it is simple. It is based on the premise many of us have forgotten or never learned: Each person is responsible for him- or herself. It involves learning one new behavior that we will devote ourselves to: taking care of ourselves. "(p.54)

And I am very excited about that as I move forward in my recovery!! (On to Chapters 5 and 6 next week!)