Preface
Melody writes: "With compassion and boundaries, we need to commit fully to loving God, ourselves and others. We need to commit fully to trusting God, ourselves and our process... We are on time, and we are where we need to be. We can be trusted. So can God. And letting go and gratitude still work. Keep your head up and your heart open." (p. 4)
I find these words comfort me, give me hope and light. I wish for this work on my codependency to take me to some challenging places, as I explore the "rooms" of my mind and soul and subconscious. I want to understand and change my paradigms that prevent me from living the abundant, joyful life that I know God wants me to experience. I've often not allowed myself to "feel the pain of truth", hiding in denial. That left me with confusion, sadness, disempowerment and the dull pain of being a "victim". That's not living! So, as Melody suggests, I march forward to bigger and better places as I learn and grow. I'm facing my fear and doing it anyway, I'm doing this for me.
A major step to understanding "what was wrong with me" was about 4 years ago, when I opened up to a friend about problems I was facing in my marriage and with my children. He had experienced his own issues with codependency, recognized my issues and shared tools that could help me. I was introduced to Melody's book and the website for Co-Dependents Anonymous, or CoDA, at http://www.codependents.org/ . I also started attending Adult Children of Alcoholics, which I had avoided my whole life due to my misconception that it was about focusing even more on the alcoholics in my life, rather than it's true focus on my healing. I continue to work on trusting God and myself and "letting go". I am re-addressing these issues with openness and enthusiasm in search of further growth.
This book looks at very various "addictions" or compulsive disorders that we encounter, usually initially when we are young, that turn everyone affected by the illness into victims who carry the affects. "Whether the person you've let yourself be affected by is an alcoholic, gambler, foodaholic, workaholic, sexaholic, criminal, rebellious teenager, neurotic parent, another codependent, or any combination of the above, this book is for you, the codependent." (p.10) I personally have also identified people addicted to control, power, anger and money who I have allowed to create havoc in my life.
Introduction
Melody describes her personal experiences in the 1960's. She says "Although I didn't know what codependents were, I usually knew who they were. As an alcoholic and addict, I stormed through life, helping create other codependents." (p.5) She was told in the 1970's in her professional work with recovering addicts and alcoholics to organize a support group for wives in this program, and was given no training or information on how to do that. She did not understand codependents and saw them as "hostile, controlling, manipulative, indirect, guilt pro ducting, difficult to communicate with, and more." (p.5) She "worked with women who were experts at taking care of everyone around them, yet these women doubted their ability to take care of themselves... Most codependents were obsessed with other people yet couldn't see themselves. They didn't know what they were feeling. They weren't sure what they thought. And they didn't know what, if anything, they could do to solve their problems - if, indeed, they had any problems other than the alcoholic." (p.6)
When you live as an unenlightened codependent you don't see how people could view you like that, you're just doing what is normal to you. You're just being "responsible", "giving" or being a "Christian"! And with me, I had suppressed anger, as I saw uncontrolled anger and didn't know how to express mine appropriately or feel it was acceptable for me to express at all. I now view anger as a step up from disempowerment and depression, which you can move through and "up the emotional scale" to a better feeling place. ("Ask and It is Given", Abraham-Hicks)
As Melody educated herself, she grew to see codependents differently. "I saw people who were hurting, confused people who needed comfort, understanding, and information. I saw victims of alcoholism who didn't drink but were nonetheless victimized by alcohol. I saw victims struggling desperately to gain some kind of power over their perpetrators" and themselves. (p.9)
"'The chemically dependent partner numbs the feelings and the non-abuser is doubled over in pain - relieved only by anger and occasional fantasies,' wrote Janet Geringer Woititz in an article form the book 'Co-Dependency, An Emerging Issue.'" (p.9)
"This book is about your most important and probably most neglected responsibility: taking care of yourself. It's about what you can do to start feeling better." (p.10) It's about "stopping the pain and gaining control of your life." (p.11) I'm so glad - that's what I want!
Chapter 1: Jessica's Story
Melody tells the story of a women's struggles in life, as she lives her days with an alcoholic husband, financial problems, lies, no energy, anger beneath the surface, marital decay and frustration as a parent. Jessica says "I always felt like I lost - with my kids and with my husband. No one ever listened to me; no one took me seriously. I didn't take me seriously." (p.18) "I had been tricked, betrayed. My home and family - the place and people who should have been warm, nurturing, a comfort, a haven of love - had become a trap. And I couldn't find a way out." (p.19) "I had lost control." (p.20)
Melody helped Jessica in her healing process, to get better, to start living her own life and to learn:
- She wasn't crazy; she was codependent.
- Once you've got codependency, you've got it. It is similar to picking up a destructive habit.
- If you want to get rid of it, you have to do something to make it go away. It doesn't matter whose fault it is. Your codependency becomes your problem; solving your problems is your responsibility.
I love that. It's clear, concise and gives hope. Wow. Putting the drama aside and moving to understanding and action, this is where the power is.
Chapter 2: Other Stories
Melody goes through 7 examples of people she has worked with to help them find solutions. Each story reveals people with dysfunction and pain. They were in relationships and lives that weren't working. They were mistreated in the present and/or past in various forms by a variety of people: by those who drank, cheated on them in marriage, a troubled teen who was "running and ruining" his mother's life, a sex-addicted spouse also addicted to pornography. Some worked in the chemical dependency, mental health and nursing fields. Some reported care-giving roles that they resented or left them drained.
One woman, Kristen, reported no compulsive disorders in her family, but reported that "other people's moods control her emotions; she, in turn, tries to control their feelings.... Somehow, I just seem to lose myself in other people. I get enmeshed in them.... I'm not terribly unhappy, but I'd like to learn how to relax and start enjoying myself and other people." (p.29, 30) Kristen may have been influenced by societal views of woman or religious teachings. In my experience, the interpretation of Roman Catholic teachings taught to me by my mother and nuns in school taught me that "good girls care for others, always put other's needs above their own, and must never get divorced". What was lacking was the message that God wants us to respect and honour ourselves and to have self-esteem. It took me into my 40's to recognize and work on changing these limiting paradigms.
The people in the examples received help in the form of counseling, a self-esteem course, an assertiveness class, Al-Anon (12 step support group for codependents in current or past relationships with alcoholics) and Co-SA (like Al-Anon for those in current or past relationships with sex addicts). "A common thread runs through all stories of codependency... It involves the effects people have on us and how we, in turn, try to affect them." (p.30)
I am not alone and I look forward to using what I am learning to empower myself to get better results from my thoughts, feelings and actions.
Next week I will read and write about Chapter 3 and 4 of "Codependency No More" by Melody Beattie.
Thank you so much for this book, Melody.
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